strange

what I feel is wanderlust
each time I think about it
my limbs succumb

my words are rust.

thinking and thinking (draft 1)

Lately I've come to feel that there isn't much left in the matters of originality or discovery in this world. That all of the potential in humanity has been expended. We've been here too long, we're reaching a point of stagnancy. Post-post-post modernism? What is this shit anyway. It's all be done before, we all feed off one another, taking parts to make a 'new'. I myself have tried many things only to find that I'm a jane of all trades, master of none. Who can run faster than the fastest now? Legs are only meant to go so far in a certain measure of time. Monetary devices grow in worth and thus reduce humanity to slavery, and empires into ruble. As populations grow, we lose our resources. More confusions arise and there are more suicides these days than before, more angst, more of the unsure. And why is this? Maybe all the people that left this world at will have it right? We're all spent, there is nothing left. All we could possibly do now is destroy all that we've built and start again from zero. Depression has become an epidemic, the 'idea of' is contagious. I'm far too impractical for this practical world now. I've lost all if any concern for my future or what I'll be, or where I'll end up. The only place I feel sane, happy or free is in my dreams when I sleep or when I'm with you.

Fall

longing to gavlliant
on the backs of the whitest horses
through the fields where
time can't be bought

from fallen trees

grows new incandescence
the earth and soil
in a binding contract
to rebuild and replenish
to take back what's theirs
the smell of cedar
and rain
the fire is out
but the heart beats on

she smells of sweet wine
and summer song
giving a reason
to carry on

surreal

to even comprehend
what things could go like
if they went accordingly
sufficient occupation
redeaming qualities
i don't even have fingerprints
to distinguish
myself from them

how can i paint myself
how can i capture the sky
i can't rely

I don't feel

like i'm good at anything lately.

running through flowers

up the hill to consolidate
why you're taking too long
to hesitate
i storm out and upward
to the telephone wires
up high for safety now
you yell to me to 'please come down'
but why would i?
why should i?
when you'll only draw blood
so when my wire breaks
i scamper across the gravel & stone
to a scattered cluster of forget me nots
and i begin to tie knots
into every stem
and when more of you come
i'll jump into the water
to swim away
to the bottomless parts
because you can't go
quite as far.

a thought just occured to me

& how i wish
that i could etch
your perfect design
within my self
permanently.

stagnant nights

when i'm lying awake
and i picture your face
it's some kind of stagnant night
where the air moves through the sheets
at a pace similar to then
so i simply reside
in the dim summer light
and am content knowing
that i can see more with my eyes closed
then i ever could when i was with you.

some kind of design

printed on my fingertips
tell you which way I've been
and what days I've seen
Alouette

monster

glassy eyes
peering through a dark and damp window pane
wrecking my skin the only way I know how
from within
and leaving what i know
to try and reconfigure
try to justify
before the roots do wither
i've only drowned up until now
time to swim up
before my lungs forget how to breathe

repertoire

your legs are on either side of me
as you lean forward
lips to my sun-kissed complexion
the back side of your palms
graze my definition
adrift on the clouds of memory
alas leaving what I once knew
there is only me
there is only you
morning light peers through my venetian blinds
dreaded the parting
how long can i last?
how long can i hold my breath...

trails in a forest up the mountain and into the ocean

and I think
time
is a fickle thing
and I know
time
doesn't mean
anything

not when you're out wandering

ceiling tiles

just so that you're aware
of all the stutter steps
that one was not necessary
slight of a smile
in your direction
lost in the distant connection
return to sender
no
i'm picking up and starting over
again
yes again
and you're welcome to join me
if you feel compelled.

Le tour du piste

statues in fill light
sink ships with
a single slight
of their hand
to a match
to a box
in the sand
let's just pretend
that I didn't take it
from you
i'm sorry?
but not really
be angry
with me
there's poison
in the bottle
in the back
of the basement
this is where
i might find my content
ease up on me
my back is taught
and my eyes are shot
i swear i won't come round tomorrow.

Eyes Open

I wake up
from a fantasy world
the one I wander through
each night
the one I can never run in
each night
I saw you again
your dark figure glistening through the light
that was bending branches of pine
your arm around mine
and I stutter
each step
each word
you're still taller than i
but only by a little
and your eyes a perfect reflection of this forest
deep and uncanny
cold and lost in the span of time
something tells me
you can't hear a word i'm saying
so you let go.

seascape

I'm going to collapse into flowers
and let the tide measure the hours.

out like a lamb

one week
and a year ago
i thought you'd know
this opulence
that i've come to expect
is just short of what i seem to get
one week is all it takes
one week for your knees to shake
and rustle like the newly grown leaves
in the faded winter breeze
with the sun on my face
my sunken eyes replace
all of what I thought of you
dear girl, you think i'm writing about you
but it's her that i still can't get to
and who is she?
and who is me?
all that i know is that you're not her
and you never were.

swingset

hey there past
what else is new?
you've come in
you've come through
and yet i only smell stale furniture
in a house too big for home
so i'll dust off the window sill
and peer into the backyard
where you've let the lawn
reach unruly heights
and where any memory of this
takes flight.

late departures

we flew across the world
your face a map for me to see
your head on my shoulder
as your eyes grew less colder
and time was stopped

one year ago from now
my stomach turns
with the though
of what you did
and how you could do it
but something tells me
I might be about to do the same
if I'm not careful

leaning out my window sill

smoking gun at the witching hour
17 minutes past
can't help but wonder
thought layers over
eyes start to turn under
chest raised
increasing breath
spell it out for me
in sounds but not words
i still can't hear you
LOUDER PLEASE
you can clearly feel the marks on my knees
every scathing charm
that grazes your arm
is a plight
for the day that you
just might
fall down.

i loved the jungle book when i was little

forest and trees
jungle and rain
it could be sane
if you let the leaves tumble
past your nose
and don't cut them down
or push them away

trickling water
over mossy rock formations
calm and steady said the panther
be weary of the tiger
as it is dangerous
to play with fire
strength of the bear
heart of a fighter
and just so you know
the snake is a liar
the monkey insane
and the elephant to blame
but this is all just the acid talking
blow this will mind your

a boy woke up naked in the woods
surrounded by wolves....

some thing similar to me

funny fickle thing time is
turning and contradicting
everything i've said
peeking thorough
my white blinds
walking home in what
felt like
pouring rain
something slightly sinister
lingers in the air
and on the tongue
controlled versions
of myself
redivide and recognized.

do you comprehend?

so a calendar fell upon the floor
scattered dates and plots
just remember
what walked this pavement
before your toes.

3:07am

starburst on my ceiling
and that sound is just repeating
sinking
falling
feeling
lights are forming
starburst on my ceiling
woven shapes
commute
contort
still breathing
moon is passing over
and the rest are still sleeping
chest is
heavy
compress
even
fading starburst on my ceiling

let's talk

all about why i'm here
standing here
sitting here
when i look at myself
in her eyes
i see what i should be
only for a moment
and i recoil in fear
of falling

flying

i'm not dead
yet
but something inside me has been trying real hard
i end up
toes in
then everything
all in
and my thoughts escape me

shorelines

eyelashes flutter
the jagged contours
collecting your torso
to you legs
have me in a spell
and the way your hand
graced mine
and then my face
closed eyelids
let this last
longer.

Alexander & Gore

contusions of my self
in the reflections on the street
connected at the feet
for underneath
there are secrets
that we keep
and fates we all will meet
the pavement warm and ridden
with elite
senses
tell tales of excellence
in the year of 1924
booming towers
women selling flowers
in the place we feel deceit
flick your hand
underneath
and onto
looking left and then right
we are waiting

late resolutions

lose 10
gain monetary
create beauty
find her
clean up
love more
hate less

sunday

well today
i was taken
from my feet
and the girl I love
didn't care to meet
she was too far away
and I was listening to
how the rice boy sleeps.

I will kiss you on the forehead
you say goodbye.
its all the same

immaculate face

why are you
what are you
porcelain
or some kind of stone
my fingertips read you
in the silence
and you move
ever so slightly
to the warmth of my palm
i lean in and you
move back
but you don't tremble
i put my head down
into my lap
and you whisper
please don't
but i can't wake
i can't look up
not into those eyes
vert et d'or
nor into those lips
tilted in a smirk
closed tighter
be gone
vacant disregard
soul unbound
i need this
i need you
but you don't see me

spindels

touching the static screen
the vivid integrations
illuminate this room
where i sit
looking in to the past
and where you are right now
laying on your back
looking up at something
or someone else
it makes me shudder
with remorse
and with regret
and better yet
i don't and won't ever know

be calm and steady
fingers tip tip tapping away
you should be resting
i tell myself
you should be forgetting
i tell myself

but at this time with the colors dripping
and the notes spinning
i can't help but try to see

counterfeit

my eyes closed tight
lock you out
lock me in
say something sweet
say it very quietly
because i just might not want to hear it
not today
maybe tomorrow or
next week or
a year from now or
never.

nautica

for what you do
and what you say
are never the same
and from what I'm told
that's not even your birth name

like soliloquies ringing in my ears
of all the promises that seem austere
coated in golden threads
plated with sheets of lead
and reformed into a hull
to weather the 7 seas
the seven things i see
the seven sides of me
and the one thing
that keeps on lingering

of all the gin joints

you walked through that door
really?
actually?
it still feels a figment
and your fingers opaque
i can see right through
i can see
my chariot into the barricade
spindles and spouts
breath in and
breath out
forget it
not gonna happen
of all the gin joints in all world
i had to fall into yours
while you walked out of mine
of all the gin joints in all the world
not even jurisdiction could keep us
from what is and what was
and what will never be.

just in case you wanted to know what was on my mind at this moment

everything hurts
and I want to rip my hide from my back
and paste it upon my bedroom wall
in tiny pieces for everyone to see
where I've been, and where I'll never go to
and all the reasons I still can't talk to you

2 hits of acid, wine, thursday morning

what else is left
when there's only bits of fabric
slipping between my fingers
my sweat ridden,
sore,
and varnished hands.
two decades and one more
no hearts to lean on
or up against
only friends as fucked up as me
looking to call out in the black
i can't even write
i'm still high
I spent it all away
some honesty
I have feelings for her
but she'll never for me

looks like i'm back where i started again.

door nails

within the soft hum of a city night
i'm left in a flight
in wake of the days the preceded
aromas of what's keeping me sane
bound to my sweater

this is the death song
keeping in
to carry on
this is the death song
i'm lying upon
a familiar lawn

like nothing ever mattered
i'm reminding myself of times
that left me out in the rain
below your window
chipping away
hoping you'd change your mind
in a year's time

this is the song of renaissance
with the curtains beating away
at the window pain
whenever strong winds come
and the sky isn't the same

this is the song for lonely hearts
that have suffered out in the cold
out in the black
out in the ways when we try not to look back

we've grown a million miles a part
and you seem like a ghost to me
i'm apathetic towards any sort of repetition
i'm better now
i know better somehow
i'll remember your smile
for what it was
a lie at times
honest behind closed doors
tears could always tell me more
than your lips ever could
i wonder if he knows everything about you
like i thought i did

liveloveadore

everybody is talking
too loud
everybody is walking
too fast

everybody is talking
about you
and then me too
oh everybody is talking
too loud

i've been picking daisies for hours
just in hopes that
you might take my hand
i wouldn't expect you to understand

when i'm around you
i can feel everything
when you touch me
i can't see anything
i've got you
do you receive?

everybody is talking
about you
everybody is walking
by me

i've been picking daisies for days
just in hopes that
you might send me
i wouldn't expect you to comprehend

maybe the sun was right
maybe the tides too high to tell
at least then i'll know
that you felt it as well.

give me a second, i'm on the other line

the cathedral is calling
some meek whispers
in a static renaissance
they're telling tales
of good days to come
sunshine and storybooks
of your sparkling eyes
and of my vagrant looks

i'd rather be left out at sea
a float
with one million things
beneath
relishing my demise
then to have to wake up
right now
from this bliss

it might be pouring outside, but it's okay, I have something like you

i don't know quite
what's going on
where am i coming to
and going from
and then onto
i like you,
but i like her too
or do i only like myself?
something needs to tell the truth
to you & me & everyone we know
fear & loathing in what we do
what we don't know
so there can be
a sanctity
to only subside
in all due time

there's something more

my bad habits
& worse decisions
dragging myself
through damp & dirty ditches
all for the vindication
and retaliation
of thoughts
unspoken
& unsaid
we only talk in my bed

there's something

under your skin
it moves when i move
and the scent in lingering
on my tongue
and in your hair

i like it when you stare

my morning at Pike Place

and I wake up
my feet are killing me
and my head is filled with...

let's go
time to leave
seventy-six cents in my pocket

why do you have to be like that?
your horns at a curvature
are hard to handle
at times

i'm the wind then
i'm the ocean now
calmly sauntering on
your fire burns me
and i fuel it further
until it's extinguished
by my self sufficiency
saunter
saunter
saunter
forward.

like screaming in my ears

turn the volume all the way up
reverb on the lo-fidelity
and i like where this is going
just one look
that's all it took

i woke up wearing only my Crystal Castles shirt

this is what bliss feels like
and i know the room is spinning
and i'm happy to have this in my hand
it's well worth the pain
to wake up smiling
and remember what happened
all over and again.

everything

my body
my eyes
my mind
are tired

this music keeps me breathing
and yet there's always a her
pointless, blatant, disregard
come hither
cold skin
you shiver

looking over your eyelids
and under your back
your collarbones
are beautiful
and your jaw line
divine

i'm glad this is how i decided to spend
my time
with you

samba

sauntering
it's funny that the sun stuck around
now that it's gone again
i'm tired again

ice cubes in a cocktail glass with a cherry on a pick

there are two things that I adore
romance
&
revenge
it's a love ever more

i won't hold a grudge,
but i'll relish the flavor
of making things square
edge to edge
side to side

you dug your grave
and now it's time
to put you in that box
your place under the floorboards
i know that look on your face
it's filled with grandeur
escape
it's those green eyes
and i recognize your despise
when i take someone else's hand
and you just stand there
oh misses cold
you're such a fickle thing

oh misses cold
you know what you're missing
and it's troublesome
but true

oh misses cold
it's alright
i'm done with you

i'm waking up in the summer time
she's kinder
and sweeter
and she sounds so nice
so nice to hear

réverie, c'est bien d'étre içi
allons-y.

you could give me some kind of obligation to stay

shades, scarves, & cigarettes
we are but young vignettes
carry on sweet song
carry on
but I can't
& I won't
if you think you can,
then catch me
like the rain on your tongue
catch me

i'll show you how slow i can go
the air flows freely
through the vents of this old house
in and out
breathe
in and out

you can kiss me now
if you want to

i want you to

chainlink fence

passers by
on their way to somewhere
special or not
they're going

meeting eyes with other passers by
then there's that one person
the last one you wanted to see today
and their eyes meet yours

everything hinders
for a moment
you see something
that you saw once before
but only for a moment

age is just a collective sum of days

just be you
just be happy
and people will see that radiate
and they will be attracted to that alone

so let's lock ourselves up in my quarters
for days on end
as many days as we can muster
as many days as we can stand the scent of each other

studying abroad

i wish to live in france
smoking cigarettes in my boudoir
red wine coursing through my veins

a liquid diet
nothing but bedroom disco here

immortalizing your perfect contours
indulging in the darkest chocolate
that money can buy

i'll get by
on your love
and your love alone

cigarettes on my fingertips

my palms are nervous too
I can see your complexion shimmer
it's rubbing off on me a little bit now
you send I receive
that look about your face
I know it well enough by now
well enough by then

I think I saw someone today
but I'm not sure
because I didn't recognize their smile
not like before
they looked unsure

I was secure
this banana bread is phenomenal
cabernet sauvignon in february

a proper conductor revised

these palms are wings
when you take them
you're flying
these palms are wings
when you take them
you're trying

to find a window to jump out of
to find a piece of drapery to hold on to

wrapping golden threads around your fingertips
it's all paisley & floral
wrapping golden threads around your fingertips
i will see you tomorrow

a guilty scent
nodes through
in drafts
off the ivory
a like the keys
you grace

hearts beat in a pace
delicate notes, I will recognize
every breath escapes your lips
to be immortalized

i know that look well enough by now

i want to walk with you
i want to walk with you
i want to walk with you
i want to walk with you
i want to walk with you
i want to walk with you
i want to walk with you
i can walk to you

the body needs water & air to survive

sunburst chemicals
simple design
it's a prerequisite
your hand in mine

you're breathing water

over those flames
it's so graceful how you do it too

you lean on in,
your whisper on a whim
and your aura flows up and then through

there is frost to a lick
every word, it will stick
to me, and also to you

overcast

i fall asleep
wearing my biggest head phones & thoughts of you
it's sad but true

the epitaph is clear to me now
breathe a word
make a vow

you cunt
you scrunt
you cocky bitch

i've got the itch

the silence to speak
the ladder to peak
the wisdom to seek

musk must be hand made

i love the smell of 3am
the streets are wet and dark and dim
i love the smell of 3am
cigarette lit and burning in my right hand
i love the smell of 3am
walking to my own bed again

i'm just an iceberg, many knots ahead.

out in the open ocean
overtly obscure
out to get you for sure
bound to sink a thousand ships
just before the horizon
and into la belle ideé
let's dance the night away
on the deck under the stars
la belle ideé
idea of you
and what we share
this setting
ideal
complete
your hand in mine
only for a short time.

sorry

everything makes sense
it happened to me
and it's happening to you

i can't keep the dog in the kennel anymore
it's not fair to either party
i care, i do
but just not in the way you want me to.

dishwasher

chew me up and spit me out
too fine a fabric to wrap yourself up into
just yet

111

i need to stop trying
then i wouldn't be let down so often
stay in
stay close

it's raining again
sleep a hundred days
that's what i really want
the most

01/11/10 1:11pm

Moleskin#1

i'm up at 8:37am
with a headache
with a bad feeling
this time it's not the alcohol

i moved to catch your eye
slither side to side
can't even find my feet
between these pulsing walls

i haven't felt this way
in a long long time
hold on
malevolent & sweet
i'll hold my
sliver tongue
today

walking across the bridge at 4am

"i read your star sign before i read my own..."
this make more sense then you might know

i get what i want
and i want what i get
it's not hard when i set
my sights

they just bend to my will
my fingers a conductor
number 7
deny to you
i'm done with making easy

strike a match

cold hands like cold hearts
i'm falling in
even after i've fallen a part
can't hinder what comes
can't read what's in front of me
feel out the patterns
still can't quite get it
then i stop to think for just a moment
it could be easier if i went with the current
...

lips sealed

looking down upon the city
only in a good way
refresh and replenish
as i take a drag
as i take a sip
as i see everything from here
new dawn and new year